Constantly Saying Sorry…

I have found myself saying sorry more than enough times even for things that are not even apology worthy. I mean take this example:

Someone asks someone to do something at a time whilst they are sleeping. The person who is sleeping becomes annoyed with having to be woken up as what they’re doing at that moment is sleeping and that’s what they want to do. The asker gets annoyed with the sleeping person’s sharp answers of ‘whatever’ and ‘I’m sleeping’ and wants to cause harm to that person. It turns out later upon waking that the sleeping person realises that they had some sort of conversation but wasn’t sure. However, they then apologises for their sharpness.

Should they have really apologised?

In the short answer, no! In the long answer, no!  They shouldn’t have apologised because the asker was asking for it. There is more than one way to ask for someone to do something for you like leaving a note, making a phone call later on in the day or sending a text message. If you know you’re dealing with a person who likes their sleep then save the request for an appropriate time. There’s no use being hurt about a situation that could have been avoided in the first place. Guilt tripping the person into feeling bad for actually wanting to sleep gets the apology the asker desires but doesn’t deal with the fundamental problem of not respecting the sleeping person in the first place.

Yes, the example is myself , the sleeping someone is myself. Its quite amazing to notice that I have to speak about myself as the third person in order for me to see what I should have saw in the first place. I kind of get why I, still at my age, keep apologising for saying or doing things that is right in my being. There are times when apologising is a must and there is no question about it. I’m wrong I say sorry with no if’s, but’s or maybe’s about it. But I lose my confidence each and every time I say sorry when I shouldn’t be and this is becoming a problem for me to deal with. It kind of gives people the right, the okay to just say and do as they please without actually taking responsibility for their part in a situation and that leaves me at a loss. Being silenced with guilt and knowing that in some way I’m inadequate.

I have my own feelings and my own point view. Ever noticed that in Coming Out I apologised for not wanting to be rude about stating my own case? Why apologise for my own passions or the way how I feel in order to make another comfortable? I’ve realised that in some way for me to get an apology out of another is like pulling teeth without the dentistry qualification, it doesn’t happen or if it does sometimes then there has to be some sort of tie to the apology, i.e ‘what am I going to get out of apologising to you?’. That cheapens it, that’s a cheap way of saying sorry. If you don’t want to then don’t, save me the time and carry on doing what you’re doing.

I’m tied of it now, soon I’ll be apologising for breathing. Telling my friend the truth when I say ‘no’. I find myself falling into that pattern and that’s what it is a pattern and something that needs to be broken.

Peace out. xx

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Coming Out

Coming out is hard, its the hardest thing a person could do. I came out as a lesbian 2 years ago. That was easy for me to say… ‘I’m seeing and sleeping with another girl’, well woman really. However for those around me it was a hard shock! Understandably, I was the hetro-girl who had a hetro-relationship for years. I met a girl and fell in love and really the rest is history (sounds so cheesy but that’s how it happened).

The hardest thing for me though in this process has been the attitude of some people who I use to call friends and family. The most significant was a ‘friend’, of 11 years, who told me that my ‘acts’ behind closed doors were ‘wrong’ especially in the eyes of The Lord but yet they’re not religious. Hypocrite anyone?! The need to bring up my past history, that I’m ‘confused’ and that its a ‘phase’. Bearing in mind she asked how my love life is and I don’t see the point in lying to friends. At first I understood the need they had to understand but then almost a year later it became unbearable. It turned almost toxic. No! It was toxic and that toxic attitude has stuck with me almost 8 months now since I decided to end the friendship.

Now, you may wonder why I’ve written about coming out and why I’ve included that little story. Its to highlight how hard and sometimes how easy this process can go. I felt good to say what was going on with me because it was good for myself. There were a few supportive people and I’ll love them forever. However with the negative reactions it felt and still feels like [at times] who I am and what I do needs the approval of those around me and to be honest that puts me on edge. And I think, more importantly I’m 90% certain, that many other LGBT people feel the same way when they tell someone else the ‘secret’ part of themselves. Especially if they’ve had negative reactions or they have that hate towards themselves for being gay/les/trans/bi etc. I had that hate towards myself until I realised that its about their reactions and not my own actual feelings.

The worst thing that can be done, when as a friend/family member etc, when this piece of knowledge becomes your business is to get highly defensive with someone who is being so open. What are you defensive for?! I mean, really is this persons sexuality and lifestyle gonna stop you from functioning?! Or is your lack of growth stopping you from seeing past your own nose?! Plus the need to get overly religious and bring out all this bible speak as though you’re a walking talking King James Version of the bible. Sorry I may sound a little rude but these are some feelings that have been bottled up.

With my ‘friend’, of 11 years, I realised her problem with my sexuality isn’t the fact that she thinks she’s gonna lose a friend, that the bad things in my past have affected me or all the men I’ve been with, who have apparently ‘let me down’ in her suggestive questioning [to which I answered ‘no’ with clear reasoning to then be met with a dismissal of ‘well I think you’re confused’], have anything to do with it. Its more the case of not having the courage to actually live outside of what is ‘normal’. There is no such thing as ‘normal’ in the real world! Sorry I had to break the news, its sad to know but its somewhat true that ‘normal’ doesn’t exist. So cry a river, build a bridge and get over it.

You see my past is full of heartbreak, sob stories and pain and when someone gets used to hearing how bad your life is, more often than not, they enjoy you being there. They get to look tall whilst you look small. That’s a lot more sadder than the actual heartbreak and pain of my actual past. I lived my past no need for the reminder, I know my feelings… I don’t know what brought me to be a lesbian from my past but I’m damn sure comfortable and happy now. Doesn’t that matter?! Or do we live in a parallel universe?!

By the time she was able to accept it, a year and a half later, the damage had been done and no amount of my regulatory damage control could turn back time. I had already distanced and cut myself off the last time she called. I cringe at how much time I actually gave it but it shows I actually have compassion and a heart.

Its been a hard 2 years and I’ve felt that pain even knowing who’s for me and who isn’t. I’m telling you now… That if you wish to keep to a friend/family member etc, when they come out to you try your damn hardest to not allow your prejudices to get in the way and ruin what could be a greater, deeper and more meaningful relationship with that person. As long as they’re happy where’s the issue?!

It isn’t about YOU. It isn’t about how YOU feel, its about how THEY feel. See, understand, recognise and respect that. They’ll thank you for it in the long run. Allow a person to OWN their sexuality, its fluid anyway and its personal to them not YOU.

Peace out. xx

25… Mid-Life Crisis

I’m 25 and that was over a month ago. I’m doing a degree course that I don’t really enjoy because I have been convinced that getting a degree and going to university is the right way to go. But at 16 I didn’t know what to do or who to be. Well ok I wanted to be a Hairdresser and do that as a course after my GCSE’s but I was convinced by my Mother that it wasn’t the best career path. I should study A-Levels instead and go to university to have ‘the opportunity’ she didn’t have.

Fair enough parents want what’s best for their children but not at the expense of not actually trying to do what they actually like at that time. Yes, I am blaming however only partially. I should have just done what I wanted instead of listening to a person who’s instilling fear into me about a chosen career path. ‘That isn’t good enough’ and ‘I work with this woman who trained to be a hairdresser and now she no longer does that… That’s why you shouldn’t go into that career’. *A big sigh!!!!!*. So I went to a 6th form college instead of 6th form at school, I wanted to get out of that place, and did a AVCE (equivalent to 2 A-Levels) and an AS (lower A-Level). I was still moaned at for not staying at school but what was I going to study?! Its not until a teacher said to me that I could do another qualification in something I like as it isn’t the only option.

I applied to university, got in and took a gap year because I wasn’t sure about university then. I can’t even remember what I picked. I just picked a course related to my AVCE and one that was as far as possible. In that gap year I met a guy, fell pregnant, quit university before starting and my pregnancy fell through. I was working but somewhere that I wouldn’t see my whole life in as its un-fulfilling.

Anyway at 25 I’m looking back on those last 9 years as a learning curve, albeit in a sort of psychological backlash where I’m tearing my mind, life and what others expected of me to shreds. Most people at my age are wondering about getting married and having babies and even though I am a bisexual I’m not really worrying about that really just the career and direction I’m trying to build.

It feels like a mid-life crisis but this is a crisis where your expectations and responsibility lies with YOU and solely YOU. There’s this big expectation that at 25 your life should be sorted, you should have a career, have the mortgage, have, have and more have! And I sit here wondering to myself… What do I have to show for it at the moment?! A lot but it isn’t fulfilling, soul reaching nor heartfelt.

At this moment in time I want to be a hairdresser, chef, nurse, teacher, life guru/coach, midwife, photographer, actress, film maker, entrepreneur, tarot/angel/medium/astrological reader etc etc. The list is so endless as I chop and change my mind daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. I know its a lot of careers but its like ‘being jack of all trades, master of none’ and I would like to be a master of at least one of the things that interest me.

It may seem like I should just quit university and stop wasting my time but something keeps saying to me that I should just wait it out. I’m in my 2nd year and I really only have one more year to go, 26 going on 27 by the time I graduate. So what’s the big rush?! I think its part of my expectation that you go to uni, get this degree and build a career from there. But does it really happen like that? (Thoughts please). But in someway I have a  plan I suppose and I’m still working, though it isn’t the greatest job, just something to put food in my belly and pay my bills, but there’s an outline of a plan nonetheless. I should be proud and feel good about that.

I know I’m young and I still have time but it feels like time is running out. Societal pressure to be this and that by a certain age creates more pressure than actually just taking my time to create the life I as a person actually desires. I’m having a chuckle to myself as I think about this. ‘If you don’t laugh you’ll cry’ so I’d rather laugh and see the humour.

Going from Kidulthood to Adulthood (courtesy of Bashy – Kidulthood to Adulthood from the Adulthood ost). I’m attempting to embrace and really I should.

Peace out xx

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